The New Year and Mad Love For Last Year

by Jen on January 1, 2013

It’s been cold and dreary for nearly a week. The sun has hidden behind the haze making New York City gloomier than I prefer. It snowed for about twenty minutes on Saturday, but nothing stuck, leaving damp, salt-stained sidewalks and disappointed school children.

George and I boarded the E train in Queens Monday morning, sandwiched ourselves in between other commuters, and rode 20 bumpy minutes into Manhattan to tackle another day of work- the last day of work for 2012. We emerged from the underground at Park Avenue and 33rd Street to the beautiful view of the Empire State Building, and it dawned on me… I’ve been in New York City for a year!

Our dream of living in New York City came as a secondary dream to building our family. When two years of trying to get pregnant resulted in two years of repeat disappointments, we shifted our focus and finances to the “other” dream. To this day, I can’t really wrap my mind around how perfectly things fell into place.

It started as a pipe dream, and then a hypothetical conversation, and into a “let’s throw something at the wall and see if it sticks” scenario. George applied for a job in the city, got an interview, got a job offer the same day, found an apartment the following day, and moved to New York City thirty days after the fact. It didn’t take months of ignored applications and fruitless interviews. It happened in a nearly effortless instant.

 We rented out our Tallahassee house with ease, sold our cars right away, and before I knew what was happening, we were here- in the middle of our dream.

I got pregnant a month and a half later.

It was the most shocking news of my entire life, and certainly news that led me to believe that New York City was as “meant to be” as sunshine.

That pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, ripping all optimism from my veins and crippling me to the confines of my tiny Upper East Side apartment for what seemed like decades.  Desperate to suffocate our sadness, we proactively began trying for another baby, only to find ourselves pregnant two months later.  That pregnancy failed to survive past five weeks, leaving us heartbroken and questioning our mission once again.  And then, as shockingly as the times before, we found ourselves pregnant again one month later.

And we still are.  Twenty-seven weeks, to be specific.

In 2012, sometime in between gazing at buildings so tall they touch the sky and learning underground transit mazes and soaking in culture deeper than my imagination, my infertile body was pregnant nearly 10 1/2 months.  And if all goes as it should, I will be pregnant three more in 2013.  I thank New York for this.  That probably sounds strange, but I do.  I thank New York for giving me a distraction, for giving George and I a once in a lifetime adventure, for eliminating the stresses of a job I disliked for far too long, for inspiring me, for helping me overcome fears, for helping me heal, and for inadvertently handing me my primary dream while living my secondary one.

The last year has changed me in so many ways.  For one, if I never drove a car again, I think I’d be juuuuuust fine.  And my definition of what is beautiful in the world has shifted a bit.  But more than that, I’ve faced the deepest heartaches and the sincerest moments of happiness of my entire life.  My friendships have deepened, as I found myself pulled from the hells of my miscarriage by the support and know-how of my very best friends.  My marriage, while always solid, feels more unbreakable than ever before.  My dreams of holding my child… our child… have nearly come true.  And I find myself wondering how the hell I got here.  How the hell did I get here? And… how the hell do I stay here?  Forever?

I feel so deeply content, and don’t feel I can expect the same good fortune in 2013 if I don’t profess dire appreciation for the hand I was dealt in 2012.  There were days I thought I’d fall apart, but the days that helped rebuild me were far more frequent.  And far more powerful.

I fell asleep well before midnight last night, only to be kissed by my husband as the ball dropped.  (He’s going to teach my Henry to be such a good man.)

My first day of 2013 marks 89 days until our baby is due to arrive.  That’s pretty bad ass, isn’t it?

Oh, and before I close… we had a 3D ultrasound this week (what a cool experience!).  As usual, our son wanted nothing to do with having his picture taken, as he covered his face with his hands and smashed his face into the placenta to avoid the paparazzi.  (I hope he softens to the idea of having a camera in his face because… well… I’M his mom!)

I didn’t expect to leave feeling like I knew what our baby would look like, but I was in awe over how much I felt he resembled my George.  See that frowny mouth?  That totally belongs to his father.  🙂

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

1 paisleyluv January 1, 2013 at 9:28 pm

Isn't it funny how things work out so perfectly? In September my husband got a job that will help keep us financially secure. And it basically fell in his lap. Crazy stuff. We have such an exciting spring ahead for both of us!

BTW I am blogging again! (I switched blogs 🙂


2 Chelsea January 1, 2013 at 10:12 pm

I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND GEORGE! The pictures look amazing but I can also agree with you that he looks like George!! Happy new year 🙂


3 @HouseUnseen January 1, 2013 at 10:22 pm

This is fantastic. Your boy is absolutely gorgeous. Cannot WAIT to 'meet' him!!!


4 Rose January 2, 2013 at 2:11 am

Happy happy new year, Jen, Gorgeous George and little Henry! What an exciting future waits to unfold for you all!!
It's wonderful to be able to be part of your amazing journey.


5 finallym0m January 2, 2013 at 8:21 am

i know i haven't commented in a while, but i've been reading and i just have to say this is the absolute most perfect post to start off what will be a magical year for you. because while 2012 brought you so much heartache, it was also a positively amazing year for you as well. and i'm so gald you're appreciating that and i just know that the world you're living in, the world you created is going to continue to shine oh so brightly. so, so happy for you. Happy Happy 2013!


6 Nadine Ochs January 2, 2013 at 11:00 am

So happy for you and that picture made my day. Betsy told me how wonderful your shower was. Hugs from Tally!


7 karenbonar January 2, 2013 at 3:02 pm

Yeah, B-boy had his hands in his face for most of our sonos. Made it all the more exciting to finally meet him! 🙂


8 alison January 3, 2013 at 11:54 am

Love this! And you, and that smooshy faced wombmate of yours! 🙂


9 Andrea January 4, 2013 at 1:02 pm

Wishes for a beautiful 2013 filled with continued joy. 2012 was awesome because it brought me YOU!


10 Cheryl Lackey January 7, 2013 at 6:54 pm

I am soo glad 'B' sent me the link to your blog.. You are an awesome writer.. It feels like the reader is sitting with you talking. All of your emotions, even the saddest ones, makes you want to read on and cheer for you.. Good luck even though I have never met you. And that boy is going to have the best mommy ever.. 😉 tell George hello..


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