Olive You

by Jen on August 30, 2012

Blood makes me queasy.  I’ve given gallons of it in the quest for parenthood.  I’ve cursed it in my underwear after twenty-four months of failed pregnancy attempts and two miscarriages, and until Tuesday, I thought my current pregnancy was going to survive the duration without a single threat of blood.

I started bleeding Tuesday night.  I immediately felt the pain of my previous losses well up inside of me, and I buried my face in George’s shoulder searching for comfort.  I called Casey, as she’s always the voice of wisdom and reassurance, and then called the on-call doctor who asked the standard questions.

How much bleeding?  What color?  Any cramping?  What about a fever?

Together we decided I should report for an ultrasound the following morning.  I slept about sixteen seconds that night, holding my legs together and trying not to flex even the tiniest of abdominal muscle, and at 6:30 the next day, I made my way to the stirrups.  The ultrasound showed a strong heartbeat and a calm, olive-sized baby nestled right where he should be.

I’ve felt this relief before.  The reassurance that he is safe is as powerful a feeling as I’ve ever felt.  But I know how quickly things can change, and even though I prayed for a pregnancy without fear, I am constantly aware of the fragility of the entire experience.

I feel a calmness I’ve never felt before, yet I’m harassed by the ghosts of tragedy.  I feel so right about so many things.  I’m sick.  I’m bloated.  I’m tired.  I’m sporting the nose of a bloodhound, and I’m so tender in the boobs I could punch the wind for blowing too hard.  I’ve had 66 blood-free and glorious days to celebrate, and only one minor bleeding set-back.  Why is the bad stuff always so magnified?

Since the bleeding, I want to velcro myself to the couch.  While I know this isn’t a logical safety measure, I can’t help the feeling that propping my feet up for the remainder of Bodhi’s gestation is the right thing to do.

Our first OB visit is next Tuesday.  I believe we will be 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant then.  I miscarried our first baby at 10 weeks and 2 days pregnant, so the timing of the appointment is perfect.  I would imagine I’ll need a little reassurance on that day.

George has friends in town this weekend.  They are going to the US Open, to a Yankees game, and are then getting elbows deep in buffalo sauce and beer for the kickoff of college football on Saturday.  This dude-fest couldn’t have come at a better time.  I shall relax, butt to sofa, with a DVR of Dance Moms and Real Housewives and Kardashians and Toddlers & Tiaras.  Dream. Come. True.  If that’s not good for a pregnancy, I don’t know what is.

Come on, baby.  We can do this.

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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Lynne August 30, 2012 at 9:15 pm

Love you <3

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2 Runnermom-jen August 30, 2012 at 9:17 pm

Hoping and praying for you, lady!!! Glad you saw that little heartbeat. :)
xo

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3 Heidi August 30, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Awww, hugs from Green Bay, WI. I know exactly how you feel (pressed my legs together for my entire first tri-mester). Hang in there, we're praying for you.

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4 Tammy Bartelson August 30, 2012 at 11:13 pm

Hang in there kiddo!! I will send up extra prayers for you and Baby B tonight!!

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5 @HouseUnseen August 30, 2012 at 11:23 pm

Oh man…had my heart in my throat for a few seconds there, girl! So happy he's doing well. I know the feeling of seeing that heartbeat when you're wondering if it won't be there after all. Exhilaration! So happy happy for you :)

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6 Casey August 30, 2012 at 11:37 pm

Some couch time this weekend is exactly what you & the baby need :-)

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7 Andrea August 30, 2012 at 11:59 pm

YES. YES YOU CAN.

First of all, the nose like a bloodhound? I love you. I used to tell everyone and their mother I had DOG NOSE. We're talking so crazy that the most random scents showed up on my radar. BIG TIME. And the boobs in the wind? Yes. You're having the same symptoms as me, except I never was lucky enough to be ill on my shoes. ;) And I watched lots of soap operas. But reality TV is as acceptable, I'd say. Sending you so much sticky baby dust you'll start to sneeze. But then you'll pee. So yeah, just enough!

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8 euregirlsandboys August 31, 2012 at 6:25 am

I hope you have a relaxing weekend and don't spend too much time worrying! Yay for seeing that heartbeat again – and I'm very glad you have another appointment Tuesday. I always felt better if I was at the doctor fairly frequently – it was the long wait in-between that felt like a time bad things could happen.

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9 christina August 31, 2012 at 8:17 am

enjoy your weekend!

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10 Amanda Doumanian August 31, 2012 at 8:18 am

Aww yes, you can do it!!! XOXOXO!!!!!!!

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11 Kim August 31, 2012 at 8:54 am

Man, I could slap you! I started reading and my stomach twisted up and sank.
I am so glad things are going well. Have a great weekend.

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12 Betsy August 31, 2012 at 9:17 am

Thinking of you every day, like so many others. Be strong, little baby Bruno!!

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13 Dawn@LightenUp! August 31, 2012 at 9:45 am

You shall relax. Butt to sofa. Love it.
Kisses, hugs and love as always
–Dawn

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14 Kenya G. Johnson September 3, 2012 at 9:43 pm

I hope you've been able to relax and get some rest. I understand the excitement and fear and wanting to get passed your last date.

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15 tessi September 5, 2012 at 12:32 pm

Congrats! Hang in there!

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16 Rumour Miller September 5, 2012 at 3:19 pm

Hang in there. I had spotting and bleeding in each of my pregnancies. Enjoy a relaxing weekend!

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