Bodhisattva

by Jen on August 25, 2012

After the Buddha-esque first photo of the bun in my oven, Meredith named him Bodhisattva.

Say it aloud.

It’s fun to pronounce.

Bodhisattva: a being that compassionately refrains from entering nirvana in order to save others and is worshipped as a deity in Mahayana Buddhism – Merriam-Webster

Makes me feel all cozy and grateful.

She also refers to her cat as Bodhisattva, but is sharing the label for now.  Because she is a spectacular aunt, mainly.

I love this name.  I love it.  I love that it alludes this baby is compassionate, and more importantly, I love the inference that he’ll be stickin’ around.

For 40 weeks.

I did not know how much the pregnancy- the act of growing a baby inside of MY body would feel until I felt it.  I was (am?) in love with the first baby that blessed my belly, and when I lost him, I couldn’t imagine letting myself love a “pregnancy” again.  I knew I’d love my eventual child, but was sure I’d be able to separate my emotions in the early stages of my future pregnancy (pregnancies?) and simply be the oven.  No bond.  No mother. No emotion.  JUST oven.

Pffffft.

Today, Bodhisattva is 9 weeks.  He has arms and legs and fingers and toes and is about the size of a green olive.  He finally resembles a human, and can now move his itty bitty limbs.  I think about him non-stop.  I ride a bumpy bus and hope he’s hanging on tight.  I silently calculate the nutrients in my food, feeling ever-accomplished when I’ve eaten something good for his development.  I rest my hands on my stomach just before I go to sleep, hoping that somehow, through the layers of my guts,  he can feel how much I love him.

With every minute I grow more attached, I feel my hope to remain “just the oven” fade away.  I am bonded and emotional, and I am his mother.  It scares me to death to think of ever losing this feeling again.  As my pregnancy symptoms and stomach grow, I hope to find  a sense of peace, but the opposite seems to be true.  I analyze every pinch and cramp and gurgle, and still hold my breath when I pee.  I believe I will do this for 31 more weeks, but who’s counting?

I am still tired and fuzzy headed, but all in all, I feel like a million lucky bucks.  Work has been intense, but I am happy to report that through all my days of feeling like a zombie, I managed to pass the three-part test that dubs me a Credentialed Trainer at NYU Langone Medical Center.  Maybe it’s not as big a deal as building a human, but it still makes me feel pretty fancy.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

1 dweej August 25, 2012 at 10:56 pm

You are SO fancy! Building a whole new person AND passing that test? Fuh-getta-bout-it. You're on fire, woman!

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2 Alison August 26, 2012 at 10:19 am

Perfect nickname.

I'm always thinking of you and BBB (Bodhisattva Baby Bruno).

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3 Smldada August 26, 2012 at 10:24 am

Hugs. I love this sentiment. It was a very conscious decision on my part to love my future pregnancies with everything I had for whatever time I got, after our loss. Some days the fear of losing again was overwhelming but it is empowering to believe that they know our love, no matter how small they are.

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4 logyexpress August 26, 2012 at 10:46 am

I love everything about this post, especially how happy you sound. For some reason, the line about holding your breath stuck out for me, maybe because I faint easily so try to never hold my breath. So don't faint, OK?

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5 Lisa August 26, 2012 at 11:17 am

Bodhi Bruno does have a compassionate ring to it!

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6 Andrea August 26, 2012 at 1:51 pm

I love this. I love baby B and yes, you are a mom already. Most women don't know that will be how they feel, and most people are ridiculous in saying mommy-to-be, when you already feel like a mom. I say it sometimes and as a mom I want to smack myself and say, Duh. That's inaccurate. 😉 Anyway, it's all good. I continue to keep you and the wee one in my heart. xo

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7 Amy August 26, 2012 at 3:26 pm

Congratulations! but dammit, now I have that Steely Dan song in my head!

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8 Runnermom-jen August 27, 2012 at 3:28 pm

I'm counting down those weeks with you, Jen. And you are WAY more than an "oven".
xo

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9 Shayna August 27, 2012 at 7:54 pm

Dammit Meredith always makes me look bad! All I came up with was "that baby"… As in I love "that baby" already. Love you!

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10 karenbonar August 27, 2012 at 8:14 pm

The feelings of trepidation and fear and awe …. they only get more intense every day. It doesn't stop after birth, either. 🙂

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11 Tammy Bartelson August 28, 2012 at 1:36 am

You could never be "just the oven." I remember wondering if I could love my second child as much as my first. Yes! That is what is so wonderful about the human heart: it never fills up. It just expands to make room for more and more love to give away! I love EACH of my children with "all of my heart!!"

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