Flicker

by Jen on August 6, 2012

We hopped the M15 and hoofed it to the RE’s office this morning.  Ultrasound bound.  I was convinced there’d be an empty yolk sac in my uterus just waiting for my body to shed the signs of this pregnancy from my belly.

“Are you nervous?” I asked George about 300 times this morning.

“I wasn’t!  But after you get all “this isn’t going to be good” on me, I start to feel a little uneasy.”

I stirrup’d up as I have become accustomed at 7:30 in the morning and waited for the wand to make its way to my womb, and my doctor to confirm the slight flicker from inside.

“There’s the gestational sac.  And there’s the yolk sac, and maybe???  Yep, yep.  There’s a little flicker.”

I strained to see, but couldn’t.

Damn glasses.  WHY did I wear my glasses?  Contacts are always a better option if I actually want to see something.

Lesson learned.  Next time I need to see a heartbeat inside of something the size of a cupcake sprinkle, I’ll bring the big guns.

I felt some relief, but since I couldn’t personally see it, I was still a bit skeptical.  When the doctor left the room and I dressed, I questioned George.

“I didn’t see anything, did you?”

“Yep.  It was small, but I saw it.”

“Seriously?  You aren’t just making it up to make me feel better?”

He scrunched his face.

“Seriously?!?!  You think I’d make that up?  And even if I did, WHY would the doctor lie about it?!?!”

“Oh.  Good point.”

And like that, the weight of doubt lifted, and I began to celebrate in the “Keep it cool, Jen.  Keep it cool  You are in an infertility center surrounded by women desperate to be pregnant, and drowning in bad news. Keep.  It.  Cool.” kind of way.  All the while, my cheeks are literally about to fly off of my face because I can’t contain the smile.

So, that’s the deal.  There’s a thumping little heart buried safely in my guts.  I feel… hope.

Unlike the first two pregnancies, my boobs don’t hurt like someone’s trying to pull them off in a vicious game of tug-o-war, I don’t feel terribly sick, my nipples are of normal nip size, I don’t have constant pelvic cramps and back pain, and all I’m really plagued with is feeling like I’ve got a slight hangover, sweaty slumbers, and an overwhelming case of “let me take naps” syndrome.  I’d take the sore boobs and the cramps and the icky nips and the puking if that’s what I needed to do to build our family, but if this baby feels like being low-key, I won’t complain!

After our first miscarriage, Meredith suggested that maybe “he” was in my uterus to stretch things out, tidy up,  and make it hospitable for his sibling.  Oddly, I found comfort in the purpose that scenario provided. I’ll never understand exactly why that happened to us, but that was the only explanation that spoke to me.   And now, I kind of think she was right.  (When isn’t she?)  My projected due date is March 31st, which I was told (by a blog commenter) is Easter Sunday.  Wanna know when we miscarried our first pregnancy?

Easter Sunday.

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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Heidi August 6, 2012 at 8:21 pm

HOPE!!!! Fabulous!! Thanks for keeping us in the loop! Rooting for a girl!

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2 Kim August 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Well, shit. Thanks for getting me all weepy.
Congrats on the flicker. It's one beautiful sprinkle.

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3 euregirlsandboys August 6, 2012 at 8:34 pm

Yay!!! I had trouble ever seeing the flicker of a heartbeat, but hearing it swish swish swish? Awesome! And George is right – the doctor wouldn't lie about it 🙂

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4 TangerineMonday August 6, 2012 at 8:38 pm

Happy news! Hooray for the flicker!

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5 christine August 6, 2012 at 8:53 pm

What a glorious little flicker! Warm thoughts with you all. (And that story about tidying up and your due date? Oh.My.Goodness.)

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6 Alison August 6, 2012 at 9:23 pm

It all starts with a flicker. And the making room, due date 'coincidence' – I love that. Thinking of you!

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7 Nadine Ochs August 6, 2012 at 10:08 pm

Awwww I didn't know the miscarriage was on Easter Sunday. 🙁 I tend to find a little bit of happiness in everything. I love Spring, so pretty, colorful and the rebirth after a long winter ( As you know we do have those here in Tallahassee Lol) And now with prayers here a new birth for you. Also loved the pictures of your nephew at daycare at Betsy's today. She is a friend of mine we both have home daycares. Take care.

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8 Tessa August 6, 2012 at 10:33 pm

Great news! I so hope all goes well this time.

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9 Kim August 6, 2012 at 10:52 pm

Yay, yay, yay!!!!

I will be keeping you and George in my prayers.

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10 notamyrtle August 6, 2012 at 11:56 pm

Oh I am so happy for you. Keeping you three in my thoughts and prayers. <3

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11 XLMIC August 7, 2012 at 2:17 am

Hope is seriously one of the most beautiful things in the whole wide world. I always keep a heartful on hand 🙂

Wishing you and George all the very best! I love those jar lanterns 🙂

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12 Meredith August 7, 2012 at 9:47 am

Still smilin'!

<3!!!

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13 alison August 7, 2012 at 10:27 am

Over. The. Moon. for you. Truely.

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14 alison August 7, 2012 at 10:27 am

If I said "truely", I meant "truly". I can't see what I wrote, just had a feeling I had a typo. 😉

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15 Tammi August 7, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Great News! Thinking about you guys and wishing you the best!

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16 Jane August 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm

Jen, congrats on the flicker! Don't feel bad – it is REALLY hard to see when the baby is that small. I barely saw ours, except the ultrasound screen was near my head and I sat up (with wand still in my goodies) and got my face right up close to it, because otherwise I wouldn't have believed it after what we'd been through. This is such wonderful news for you – I'll keep praying that your little one keeps growing and thriving!

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17 Runnermom-jen August 7, 2012 at 2:09 pm

I hoping for you as well, Jen.
That is crazy about the Easter Sunday business. And what Meredith said DOES make sense!
P.S. Wear your contacts next time lady 😉

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18 Teri August 7, 2012 at 3:58 pm

I’ve got goosebumps in such a good way—especially when George confirmed. (And Renee had already told me the whole story). So excited for that little flickering peanut! Bedtime prayers as always…

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19 Rose August 7, 2012 at 6:06 pm

OMG Jen, your post gave me chills – chills of HOPE, big time!
Love and hugs of support and encouragement for you and Gorgeous George.

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20 librajenn August 7, 2012 at 7:04 pm

Really happy for you, and sending a hell of a lot of sticky baby vibes.

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21 christina August 8, 2012 at 11:57 am

sooooooooooo very happy for you.
crazy on the timing thing.

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22 Andrea August 8, 2012 at 6:08 pm

You already know this but I send so much love.

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23 Liz @ ANIAN August 13, 2012 at 7:46 am

Hoping and praying that this Easter will bring that wonderful blessing into your lives. 🙂

(PS. Found you because Andrea wrote about you today.) 🙂

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24 wakanetwork August 14, 2012 at 6:05 am

Wow! What a great blessing, congratulations! Wishing you both a happy life :))

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25 Rumour Miller August 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

I suffered two miscarriages and not know the "why" is hard… so hard. Even now after three healthy girls have arrived in my house, I still wonder what might have been. What has helped me (and you will get to this point too in about 32 ish weeks) is that had my two miscarriages not have been, my girls would not be the girls in my house today. There is a plan… greater than us.

Love your blog, by the way.

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