Commitment

by Jen on February 27, 2012

We meet with our first, and hopefully only, Reproductive Endocrinologist tomorrow.

He’s the guy I hoped we’d never need to meet, yet, now that we know what we know, I’ve been eagerly awaiting our introduction for months.

He’s the guy.

He will hopefully have answers and confidence and words of encouragement.

The medical world fascinates me.  Until I had my first surgery, I didn’t “get it” the way I do now.  I’d never been put under before.  When I awoke, I was certain I’d not yet undergone my surgery.  Kind nurses assured me I had.  George was there telling me I’d done a great job, but I remembered nothing of it.  I felt rested, pain free, and perfectly normal.  To accept that only hours before, I’d been lulled into a medical slumber so deep I had no recollection of a team of surgical magicians positioning my body on an operating table.  It’s kind of creepy, really.  What do you suppose they talked about while they were face to face with my cervix?

And then, when I lost my voice, I thought I was going to be mute forever.  I spent over a year fighting it, going from hoarse, to raspy, to deep, to barely mustering a whisper.  A doctor, probably the age of my George, promised me to do his best to fix me.  Two simple, relatively painless surgeries later, he did.

Fascinating.

But what pressure, right?

I can’t help but think about the stress I put on myself in my previous line of work.  Pretty insane considering never once was it possible I could permanently sever someone’s vocal cords.  Never once did I put someone to sleep and hope I had the right cocktail of meds to wake them up again feeling refreshed and pain free.

I’m trying to picture the life of a Reproductive Endocrinologist, or a fertility-specialized RN, or an embryologist.  I can’t imagine.

Their patients are defeated.  They come to them after hitting countless roadblocks, after trying and trying and trying again.  They are empowered with the ability to play puppet master with hormones, making their patients even more emotional and sensitive.  They are entrusted to play God.  In a collaborative effort, they circumvent the birds and the bees and build hopes and families in laboratories and doctor’s offices.

Some days, I would argue they have the greatest job in the world.  On those days, they tell tired, hopeful couples they are pregnant.  On those days, babies they helped create are born.  But on the other days, they deliver bad news.  I would want to call in sick on all of those days.  All of them.

I’ve been super nervous about manipulating my hormones and doing this dance again.  We are now living in New York City, which basically translates to: We are now living in my dream.  I shudder to think of missing one single moment here because I’m feeling icky and out of control of my body and emotions.  The total truth?  Since moving here, I’ve been having second thoughts.

Isn’t that nuts?  I’ve been putting in blood, sweat, and tears for nearly two years.  Being a mother is one of the few “requirements” on my life list, and I’m having second thoughts?!?!  I have enjoyed this break from the challenges of infertility.  It’s felt mildly selfish, which I know is stupid, but there is a pretty big part of me that likes the relaxation brought upon by not trying.

I’ve hesitated to say that out loud.  I only told George what I was feeling last week.  Like if I stated it, I’d jinx my uterus or something.

Idiot.

If I weren’t 31 years old, and George wasn’t 37, this wouldn’t be as big a deal.  But the fact is, we are reproductively challenged.  Reproductive challenges grow exponentially with age, and I can’t be childless at 55 wishing I would have tried harder when my eggs weren’t fried.

But if we are gonna do this, I have to really DO it.  I have to forget about the phobia of fertility drugs, and I have to toughen up.  I have to commit.  I have to commit to appointments and blood work and injections and counting days.  I have to commit to our doctor and the hope of our future family.  I have to be stronger than the stress.  Mind over matter.

Mind.

Over.

Matter.

My first nephew will soon be born.  My cousin gave birth to her first daughter this weekend.  I watched Tori Spelling give birth to her third child in an episode of Tori and Dean (what?) on Friday.  All of this, all the pregnancy announcements, impending births, and baby arrivals surrounding my life make me emotional in the very best way.  Those emotions are stronger than the sad ones, which probably explains how fertility specialists get out of their beds each morning.

So tomorrow, we meet our team.  We will go over my thick file of previous fertility efforts, we will interview each other, we will talk about options, and we will leave with a plan.

We will commit.  Whole heartedly.

And someday, sooner than later, I hope, our commitment will pay off.  I’ll look at George holding our baby and I’ll forget all about the days I spent tangled inside my emotions, and every single bit of this will have been totally worth it.

Today, I’m linking up with Lightning and the Lightning Bug with a Flicker of Inspiration about Commitment.

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{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Casey Morrow February 27, 2012 at 6:28 am

I’ll be praying that you leave the doctor tomorrow with a great plan in place & the process isn’t too long & miserable before you have a baby on the way!

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2 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Thank you! I'm not sure you will mean that once I deliver a baby that rivals the cuteness of your little snots. You will be jealous, and I will know it. ;-)

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3 christina February 27, 2012 at 8:23 am

Oh Jen, i sure wish you didn't have to go through this but that last statement- about it being worth it in the end? hold on to that. hold on to that and try to really and truly believe it because it really and totally is the truth. good luck with your team.

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4 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 2:53 pm

I always feel that way after I read how you write/feel about Lovey. Your road wasn't an easy one, and because of that, your adoration for her oozes in such a cool way. Thank you for your support. I'm thinking this is going to be a success!

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5 Alana February 27, 2012 at 9:50 am

Nothing is better than a great plan! Here's hoping you have one hell of a doctor who will help you find the right one. It's amazing what medical professionals can do these days. I am a few weeks away from having jaw surgery and according to everything I've read and heard, it's very likely I'll wake up feeling better than I have in years. I may be able to even open my jaw all the way. Keep the faith and trust that there are medical miracles and that one day (soon!) you'll be holding your own little miracle.

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6 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 2:56 pm

I hope that is the case for your jaw. Truly, after surgery, I felt like cleaning the house. :-) Granted, I didn't have very severe surgeries, but there was something about the "nap" of anesthesia that rested me like I'd never rested before. :-)

Thank you for your support. I hope to have good news to report very soon!

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7 Buff February 27, 2012 at 9:53 am

I’m excited for you! If it was me, I’d be terrified mostly because I’m bad with “a plan.” I feel about them quite like that egg you had to carry around for days in gradeschool trying not to crack it… a million opportunities for me to mess up!
But you, you are my planning partner-in-crime mastermind friend! You start with a plan and create a whole new world around it! (Like NY!)
You are the girl in class who’s egg not only survived without a scratch, you brought it back to school in a homemade chicken egg crack-protection cushioned contraption.
Yep. You’re that good.

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8 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 2:58 pm

You make me laugh. You are such a good friend! That's why we work. You'd have lost your egg after an herbal intervention. ;-) I'm worried about getting pregnancy brain though. My memory is already so bad, I may completely forget you for nine months. Does that make you hate me?

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9 sheri February 27, 2012 at 10:32 am

"My first nephew will soon be born. My cousin gave birth to her first daughter this weekend. I watched Tori Spelling give birth to her third child in an episode of Tori and Dean (what?) on Friday. All of this, all the pregnancy announcements, impending births, and baby arrivals surrounding my life make me emotional in the very best way." Dear, I can so relate to this. I went through a couple of tough years of "trying" as well but lucky for us, right before my infertility Dr appt I became pregnant. I did have a miscarriage but I had so much HOPE since being able to GET pregnant that I knew everything was happening the way it was supposed to. I wish you the VERY BEST of luck! Keep that strong faith and hope – it's going to take you right through to the delivery room!

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10 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 4:01 pm

Thank you so much, Sheri. As much as I wish the road to pregnancy was easy for everyone, I do appreciate the understanding from people who experienced similar struggles. I am feeling optimistic. And even if that doesn't work out, at least then we will know. We will move forward with adoption or a plan B and be fine with that. I just feel like I have to try everything first.

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11 euregirlsandboys February 27, 2012 at 11:09 am

I hope your appointment goes well! And I think it's great to read that you have positive emotions about all the baby news you often see and hear in regular life. I feel (for no really good reason) that it's so much harder to get pregnant when you reach the point where there are so many negative emotions surrounding the whole thing. And I think you'll be an amazing mom. I hope the break from stressing about it has helped and will make the timing perfect now that you're getting back to it. I had a friend who had issues for about a year and a half of trying to get pregnant, and when she broke down (after a few months of trying clomid) and went to the reproductive endocrinologist, they did an exploratory surgery to see if there was anything wrong and doing that procedure apparently cleared out some kind of slight blockage in one of her tubes. She was pregnant the next month. And she had her second a few weeks ago. So I vote for something similar to happen to you :)

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12 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 4:04 pm

Aw, that's so good their problem was fixable! They didn't have any problems conceiving the second one? So cool.

I think this mental break has been beneficial. It sure didn't hurt. I look back at how hard everything seemed when we were in the throws of it and I'm trying to put it into perspective for this next round of trying. I appreciate your friendship and your words of encouragement.

Thank you!

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13 alison February 27, 2012 at 11:44 am

Prayers for peace for you and your George. Hoping you have a game plan very soon, and that the drugs don't take away from your current state of happiness too much.

I remember feeling like this. It was right after we found the magic drug for me (just metformin, thankfully), and I ovulated that first month. (Maybe the first time I'd ovulated in the history of my life?) We'd been trying for months. And then when we figured out what DID work, there was that month of waiting for the next cycle where I wanted to push everything outside and slam the door and not even go there. I was happy with our little family of two… did we really want to rock the boat by inviting a child into our lives?! Would we even HAVE lives again? Would we ever be the same?!

You know how that story ends, and it's been a crazy 3 year ride (3 years next Sunday, sob…). One that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I thought I was happy before, but it doesn't even tip the scales compared to a certain short person who throws his arms around my neck and begs for "just one more smooch".

It will happen, and you will be ready. xo

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14 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 4:08 pm

This comment means so much to me. I'd never questioned it before, so I felt a little silly allowing myself to have second thoughts. I look around at our apartment and wonder where we'd fit a baby, or how I'd carry my pregnant self (and two wiener dogs) up three flights of stairs, but really, I guess I just forgot that I was adaptable. How lucky I'd be to have to cram a baby in here or grow an extra arm to carry all my "kids". Such a problem. ;-)

I hope the birthday party is a smashing success! Caterpillar book themed, right?

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15 Suzy February 27, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I'm keeping you and George in my thoughts for peace and a good plan. Having that plan in place and knowing what it will hopefully take to get a baby is a good feeling.

Fx for you guys!

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16 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Speaking of, how are you? When (abouts?) is the next IUI?

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17 XLMIC February 27, 2012 at 1:29 pm

Hoping it is all Simple Simon and easy-peasy once this guy gets your info. You are so deserving of dreams coming true :)

A side note…I had my first baby at 36 (husband was 42) and fourth at almost 46. Only assistance was via my acupuncturist. I think I've already shared that :P But I wanted to put forth the idea of finding a fertility-specializing acupuncturist …they can really help mitigate any negative side effects of hormone treatments and can even help facilitate 'western-style' fertility treatments.

Wishing and praying this all works out SOON!!!!!

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18 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 4:11 pm

I don't think I ever knew that! You are still so young and runny. ;-) Total coincidence, but a girl who recently stumbled upon my blog knows my Tallahassee acupuncturist and is going to see if she can't help me find a good NYC resource. Small world.

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19 chosenchaos February 27, 2012 at 2:48 pm

I'm here for the ride. I know it's going to be a good one! thinking of you.

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20 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 4:12 pm

Thanks Jamie! I'm hoping it's not much of a ride. I'm hoping it's the one without all the hills and the one you feel like ended too soon. :-)

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21 Rach DonutsMama February 27, 2012 at 3:37 pm

You'll be ok. You know, there's never a "right" time to have a kid. I think almost everyone has second thoughts and freaks out a bit about becoming a parent. There is a total loss of freedom and you feel like you're flailing underwater for a long time. But you come out of it and you finally get what all the fuss of parenthood is about. I'm finally feeling like I found my footing. And you will too. I'm excited for you. Let me know how it goes.

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22 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 7:08 pm

I will. I have a hair appointment (MUCH overdue) tomorrow after the RE appointment, but I'll get in touch with you sometime afterwards! :-) Thank you for your encouragement. I appreciate you.

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23 Kristen February 27, 2012 at 4:21 pm

I am cheering that uterus of yours onto a BIG victory! Hoping you have a wonderful meeting today! xo!

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24 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 7:09 pm

Thank you! I picture you with poms. :-) Or jazzy gloves?

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25 Runnermom-jen February 27, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Oh goodness, Jen…by now you've already met with the specialist I'm sure. I'm hoping for only the best for you two! Your post gave me goosebumps. By the way you spoil your little dogs, it's obvious how great of a mom you'll be.
Giant hugs for you!!

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26 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 7:10 pm

My appointment is actually tomorrow morning. I'm gearing up tonight. :-) I will definitely let you guys know how it goes. Thank you for being such a good friend! Have a good night!

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27 Rose from Oz February 27, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Can't wait to hear about, and share in your plan Jen. I'm hoarse, I'm cheering so loudly from the sidelines for you and "gorgeous George".
Rose

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28 Jen Has A Pen February 27, 2012 at 7:11 pm

Aw Rose, you are sweet. I can hear you cheering all the way from Oz. :-) And, if you don't stop calling George "Gorgeous George" he's going to make me start calling him that. :-) His head is swelling.

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29 Katie February 27, 2012 at 9:56 pm

This gave me chills, Jen. It was obviously written from a very special place in your heart. I'm thinking of you and wishing you the very best luck tomorrow! I know that the appointment will go great, and you will leave there feeling renewed and confident and committed. I'm so glad to have "met" you and had a chance to connect with you. You truly are a friend, and I wish nothing but good things tomorrow. I hope the doctor is great and that the plan is awesome, and I know it will be, because your dreams are coming true, girl. First, New York. Next, who knows! Good luck and much love!

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30 jacqui February 27, 2012 at 10:04 pm

I truly hope this process goes well for you! I'll be keeping my fingers crossed!

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31 Kimberly February 28, 2012 at 1:12 am

I am wishing you all the best friend. I can’t imagine the struggles you go through with this. Sending baby dust ;)

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32 jennuhfer February 28, 2012 at 8:17 am

I hope everything goes well! I have my fingers crossed for you two.

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33 Andrea February 28, 2012 at 9:16 am

Thinking of you, my friend. I saw this posted yesterday but did not have enough time to truly read the words and respond with heart. And I didn't want to do it an injustice.

I hope your appointment went (goes?) well and that you get a good feeling from the doctors, nurses and so on.

I have no personal experience to speak of in this regard, yet (there is a lot in my head to think of) but my sister-in-law does. And my niece turned five in December. I will say she also has one hellof-an acupuncturist, which someone else mentioned – -or having "just" met you I honestly wouldn't have, but probably would have emailed you to tell you. And so if you need a rec, or want someone who you will love and adore and support you through your journey, let me know and I'll get her info for you. The acupuncturist, but now that I think about it I could somehow connect you to my SIL, too! I miss my acupuncturist from NYC so much. I wanted to bring her south with me. I'm not sure if she is still practicing in Manhattan, but either way we have connections.

OK, enough of my NYC bad self. I am thinking of you!

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34 Andrea February 29, 2012 at 1:19 am

P.s. I just freaked myself out because my sister-in-law's name is Jenn. Gasp! It's kismet! Hope all went well.

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35 Bonnie Berg February 28, 2012 at 11:36 am

Good luck with everything Jenn! I am praying for you and keeping my fingers crossed and sending good vibes your way!! Everything happens for a reason. Remain positive and if you haven't already read it, I would reccommend reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. Really encouraging and uplifting and interesting! Keep all of us blog readers updated :)

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36 Annabelle February 28, 2012 at 3:04 pm

I hope it all goes well for you. I think you'll find that the drugs themselves are not that bad (I was uncomfortable but nothing more than that); it's more your own emotions about everything that's riding on it that's the challenge. And I think everyone finds that a challenge. As you note, though, it's totally temporary and will be worth it in the end.

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37 arvaughn February 28, 2012 at 11:20 pm

It will be so worth it, and it is just the beginning of a lifetime commitment :) On a very happy note – My husband and I both have cousins who were infertile and now have 3 and 4 kids each – both with a set of twins. My cousin has an adopted son (age 11), twin 9 year old boys (IVF) and a 7 year old little girl who was a surprise!!!

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