Helmets For Sale

by Jen on February 24, 2011

Today’s prompt comes from The Red Dress Club.  The prompt instructs you to pretend you’ve just gotten into a fight with your loved one.  What would you sell?  Why?  
Pointless.  Absolutely pointless.  First of all, I blame myself.  What kind of an idiot sees TWO full walls covered in teensy football helmets and sticks around for dessert?  Clearly a fat girl, but still.  What was I thinking?  I’m not kidding.  I knew you liked to collect things, but holy shit.  I’d seen your car.  Normal.  I’d been in your bedroom.  Clean.  I’d marveled at your closet.  Organized.  I’d even snooped in your e-mail.  Yawn.  So when I hadn’t seen your office, I thought nothing of it.  Dumb ass.  You know how they say you never really know someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes?  Forget that.  I could have walked to fucking Japan and back in yours and not have been prepared to know you like this.  I now know why you kept that a secret until after I fell in love with kissing you.  Fuck your kisses.  Seriously.  And fuck those helmets.
What purpose do they serve anyway?  Remember that time when you tried to sell one on craigslist and that crazy lady called to see if it might fit her three month old?  And remember how we laughed at her for thinking she should shove her three month old’s soft head into a tiny replica of a collegiate football helmet?  Yeah.  That was funny.  Except for now it pisses me off.  Why was I laughing?  Who does that helmet fit?  A cat perhaps?  Nope.  I tried it.  A wiener dog?  Huh uh.  Maybe a stuffed animal?  That’s just stupid.
I remember being in love.  I remember moving in and never dreaming of the day I’d come between you and your precious collection.  Funny how short-lived that was, huh?  I’ve lived under the confines of over 220 pointless dust collectors for long enough.  I feel completely apologetic for every house guest we’ve ever made sleep underneath their glare.  It’s fucking creepy, dude.  And remember how I used to joke that “hopefully we’ll have a boy”?  I didn’t mean that.  I would NEVER make my baby sleep in that room.
So today, I’m sellin’ ’em.  On craigslist.  For cheap.  How does that feel?  Stings, huh?  Odd.  Feels so good to me.  And then, once I’ve collected my profit, I’m going to blow it all on sushi and Jรคgerbomb’s.  And a boob job.  Stick that in your wallet and smoke it, sucka!
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Heidi-"Heidi in February 24, 2011 at 4:45 pm

Sounds like some well deserved revenge. Let collections like that serve as a bright red flag from now on. My husband has a 1955 panel truck that he would get rid of me for in a New York minute. I shudda known. ๐Ÿ˜‰


2 Jen Has A Pen February 24, 2011 at 5:21 pm

What were we thinking?!?!? My next husband will collect $100 bills and nothing else. ๐Ÿ˜‰


3 C.Mom February 25, 2011 at 4:05 am

lol! I love the "even snooped" in email! The things we do for love.


4 Pamela Gold February 25, 2011 at 7:11 am

Men and their damn football trinkets. I have fucking bobble heads IN MY LIVING ROOM! I shit you not.


5 The mad woman behind February 25, 2011 at 8:45 am

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you. Your pain puts mine into perspective.Um, I'm sorry?BTW LOVE the idea of shoving one of these on a cat's head!


6 MrsJenB February 25, 2011 at 12:17 pm

This is hilarious! Laughing from beginning to end. And I love your plans for the $$$!


7 Mandyland February 25, 2011 at 12:17 pm

Oh this was classic! I'm dying over the pictures. There are just so dang many!


8 Jack February 25, 2011 at 12:36 pm

I remember collecting those. They were fun.


9 Yuliya February 25, 2011 at 12:53 pm

Unreal, the picture proves that someone somewhere has a room like this…and now I won't be able to sleep at night..thanks a lot!


10 George February 25, 2011 at 2:38 pm

The helmets were around before you…


11 Karen Peterson February 25, 2011 at 3:58 pm

It's creepy and weird and, yet, funny!


12 Sluiter Nation February 25, 2011 at 4:26 pm

Ack! You have a LOT of anger towards those little things.

Although I will admit…not very attractive. You are totally right. ๐Ÿ™‚


13 Cheryl February 25, 2011 at 6:15 pm

That is totally creepy. I mean, wha?

I made my husband sell his corvette. What can I say, we needed the garage space. ๐Ÿ˜‰


14 Nichole February 25, 2011 at 7:06 pm

I realized how lame I am when the only thing that I could think was "I would hate to have to dust all of those helmets."

You go with your bad self, George. Fight the good fight!


15 Nancy C February 25, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Oh, collections. Barf.

I have a friend who has an entire room dedicated to her HUSBAND'S Lego Star Wars creations.

Hell to the No.


16 Ilana @mommyshorts February 26, 2011 at 5:01 pm

OMG- this is hilarious. My husband has saved every copy of Sports Illustrated since the late 70s. He has this bizarre dream of plastering the covers like wallpaper around some sort of basement man cave at some point. I'm like— Dude, it's never gonna happen.


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