I’m Just A Girl…

by Jen on January 5, 2011

courtesy of Google Images
…and that sort of sucks today.  Blame it on the fever or the frog who’s taken up residency inside of my throat for the last four months.  Blame it on PCOS, or Tina, or being premenstrual, or work stress, or whatever you want, but tonight I am feeling low, like Oakridge Boys low.  I sobbed the entire drive home from work.  For no reason at all, or for everything all at once.  I feel happy for my life and sorry for myself.  I feel relieved to be feeling a little better and angry for still feeling sick.  I feel extremely beat-down tired and antsy as shit.  I feel hungry and nauseous.  I feel… like a girl.
George always asks “What’s wrong?” and when I tell him it’s just hormones, he says he doesn’t understand that.  What an awesome oblivion that must be.  I feel sorry for him.  There aren’t words for me to describe it.  It’s just a feeling that, unless you’ve experienced it yourself, you just can’t comprehend.  You guys (or girls, rather) know what I mean.  
I am not a crier.  I cry a thousand times more today than I did five years ago, but I’m still not a crier by most standards.  But, it’s in those rare, unexplainable, shoulder shaking, ugly faced crying spectacles that I discover parts of myself I don’t really know.  When I’m drying up and am feeling somewhat “back to normal”, I feel my brows furrow and I wonder, “Do I really feel that way?”  I realize that maybe I have substantial fears that in the light of every other “good” day, I don’t acknowledge or recognize.  I discover that some feelings I think I’ve resolved have just been brushed over, and I still have some work left to do before I can file them in the “completed” bin.  But for whatever reason, I reeeaaaally appreciate those tears.  I appreciate being reminded of my looming internal conflicts so I don’t forget to face them.  I still feel twisted and bound by the sticky grips of an estrogen overload tonight, but the tears helped a lot.
Tomorrow morning I meet with an Ear, Nose, and Throat doc to discuss my voice and throat problems.  Then Friday, I’m having a throat ultrasound.  I’m hopeful to find some answers so I can get my melodic (yeah, I said melodic) voice back.  Right now, I sound like a phone sex operator…. a MALE phone sex operator.  Not only am I visually grotesque gorgeous, I sound like such a lady.  I’m a double threat.  I’d feel inadequate by comparison if I were you.  I understand your jealousy.  😉
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Muffy Morgan January 5, 2011 at 8:37 pm

Love and am thinking about you (and your trucker voice problem) and REALLY enjoyed this blog that describes us chickadees PERFECTLY.

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2 Megan January 6, 2011 at 6:36 am

oh the world of hormones…men will never understand…the husband has learned that a safe distance, treats, presents, and a back massage are about the only things he can do to help. Feel better!! xx

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3 Meara January 6, 2011 at 8:54 am

Perfect description. I hope you're feeling much better today. (hugs!) Not27Yet

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4 Princess Andy January 6, 2011 at 10:23 am

as my mother said to me as her mother said to her: this too shall pass…nice, eh?take your "downer" time as you need to…just remember to ALWAYS love yourself during these moments of blah. and do what you need to in order to feel better. like eat chocolate…get your nails done…lay in bed with your vibrator and watch porn…you know, whatever.<3 for you on a crappy day!

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5 Jessa January 6, 2011 at 1:19 pm

This has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but your doxie's are ADORABLE! We adopted our little guy almost 3 months ago and he's the cutest little guy. <3

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6 Jennifer Bruno January 6, 2011 at 7:26 pm

Thanks for the support, guys! I'm feeling much better – even with my current mute state. 🙂 I think it may have had something to do with Princess Andy's suggestion. Maybe. 🙂

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