Will The Real Slim Shady Please Marry Me?

by Jen on December 22, 2010

There is only one man who could ever challenge the strength of my marriage, who could make me forget about the Wiens, and could make me say, “George Bruno, WHO?” He is larger than life. He is raw, gritty, intense, addicted, and sexxxxxy. Annnnd, he performed on SNL last Saturday! Ladies and gentlemen… without further ado – - – Mr. MARSHAAAALL MAAAAAATHERS!!!! (Announced in my Oprah voice, by the way.)
I don’t know what it is. Eminem makes my heart go pitter patter, my knees go weak, and my stank face come correct. “I Jennifer, take thee, Marshall….” Seriously. I’d take on his baby mama drama, his drugs, his bad plastic surgery, AND his anger. I’m almost 100% positive that I could make an honest and sober man out of him. It’s not that I love a bad boy. And, I certainly know you can’t change a fella, but I’m pretty sure our chemistry would be something made of miracles and levitating pigs. I’d make him home cooked meals and burp him like a baby. I’d wrap him up in a blanket and take him with me like a portable good “lust” charm. We’d be quite the team; ‘ol Em with his violence and me with my enthusiasm. Match. Made. In. HEEEAAAVEN! (Oprah again.)
That boy is fierce. Mad. HAWT. Sort of like my George. See the resemblance? I KNOW! Uncanny.

There are very minor differences between my two men. Both have mad rhythm. Both were raised in the skreets. And both rock a pretty strong pimp hand. Really.
I’ve been a die hard since I don’t know when.  Only concert I ever contemplated throwing a bra on stage.  Okay, I’m lying.  Who does that? I did (once or twice) pretend to be the girl in the “Superman” video.  And, don’t even GET me started on Rihanna.  I have one other teensy confession.  I went to see “8 Mile” TWICE the day it came out in theaters.  That was a good day.  I laughed.  I cried.  I bought the t-shirt.
So, let’s talk his SNL performance. He performed with Shayna’s boo, Lil Wayne. Did you see it? Were you as hot and bothered as me? I can’t hardly stand it.  He doesn’t make a lot of eye contact. Know why? Cause he’s seen too much – been too hurt to look you in the eyes. He typically practices a one hand, gangsta side slice hand dance. Know why? Cause that’s how gangsta’s do. It’s quite poetic, really. And HAWT. (I said that already, didn’t I?)
When Rayden was visiting, we spent 3 hours in the car flipping through all the albums on my iPod. Ahhh, lots of memories made to my gravel-voiced dream man. I taught Rayden to rap to Eminem when he was 8 years old-ish. He would be “flowing” along at top speeds, mimicking the master, (gangsta side slice hand dance too) but would never say the cuss words. Such a good little brother. Now, he says the cuss words like he wrote them himself. Such a funny little brother.
So, while I’m not a big partier, I don’t stay up late, I “just say no”, and I find comfort in George’s mental stability, I still find myself dreaming of the day when Em tosses me his sweaty beanie off stage at one of his shows.  Nobody wears a beanie better than him.  He will forever be my “get out of jail free” celebrity, and George understands that. Didn’t you hear that in my wedding vows? I said it, I swear.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Mike Shepherd December 22, 2010 at 7:39 am

You know, for some reason, I can totally "see" you doing your Oprah voice.

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2 obladi oblada December 22, 2010 at 9:09 am

Very Cool. I just found your blog and we have a lot in common. I LOVE Marshall AND Dachshunds…and I LOLed when you referred to them as Wiens. I do too!

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3 Chiquita February 14, 2011 at 4:29 am

Sorry, I was never into him…but I understand your feelings. Maxwell and I have the same "relationship". I WOULD leave my man for him!! ;) . ;) . – KristelKlear

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4 Kris May 16, 2011 at 7:32 am

You and Eminem . . . soul mates.Obviously.Love this!

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