The Conception Misconception

by Jen on November 29, 2010

I really only have myself to blame.  I’m super public (obviously) about our hopes and attempts to get pregnant.  My poor grandma shudders when she hears me say the word “trying”, as she was raised in a more discreet, less sexually explicit time.  The word “trying” means boot knocking no matter how you slice it, so I don’t blame her for wishing her granddaughter would come up with different subject matter.  I have to admit, if the tables were turned, I’d rather not hear about my grandma “trying”.  (Quick pause to cleanse the visual from my mind.)  Okay, I’m back.  
Anyway, by being super public, I have naturally opened myself up to a few critics. I’ve exposed my sensitive and somewhat controversial “thing”, and it only stands to reason that some, with every right, may disagree.  I think much of the criticism comes from a lack of understanding.  Not everyone understands what it is like to “try”.  They’ve either been fortunate enough to have had their children naturally and without much effort, or have not reached the point in their lives where having children has become a top priority.  Either way, if you, or someone close to you has never been on the receiving end of a fertility struggle, I understand why you don’t.  For years I paid for birth control and panicked if I took it 30 minutes late.  For years I have witnessed people in my life accidentally get pregnant.  And for years, I’ve been programmed to believe that pregnancy without EXTREME sexual caution was the rule and not the exception.  Buuut, when my fate took me back to an old biology lesson, I realized getting pregnant is actually quite difficult.  Cycles need to align, hormones need to jive, eggs need to cooperate, follicles need to stimulate, and vaginas (or vaginae, if you will) practically have to decorate for a party and serve a 5 course meal with linen napkins and a shrimp fork in order to create an optimum and pleasing environment for the ever-so-fickle sperm.  (Who knew those dudes were so high maintenance???)
So, I guess without that understanding, people are annoyed with the term “trying”.  “Trying” conjures up images of turkey basters and basal thermometers, and sex on pillows, during the day, underneath harsh florescent lighting.  And maybe one day, that will be my reality, but for now, “trying” just means that we are paying attention to our “prime times” and doin’ it just like the rest of you are – no turkey basters.  I’m not old, but our ideal life plan includes having children in the near future, so maximizing the two-ish days out of the month that my body decides to cooperate is a top priority, no matter how clinical that may seem.
Additionally, contrary to what my parents preached, sometimes practice doesn’t always make babies, I mean perfect.  Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it just isn’t in the cards for you.  As a child, “trying” had a positive connotation.  It meant you were willful and determined, encouraged and energetic.  “Trying” in my adult life automatically comes laced with undertones of initial defeat, strained effort, and unnecessary stress.  So when I say we are trying to conceive, it sounds miserable to most.  Rest assured, although I am “trying”, it is still sex, he is still my husband, and it is absolutely not miserable.  And while I have experienced many pangs of initial defeat, the act of “trying” is not the part that sucks – learning we didn’t succeed is what stings.
Getting pregnant is not something we are putting up for chance.  We aren’t going to just hope that if it’s meant to be, it will be.  Being a parent means far too much to me to risk looking back in ten years only to wish we’d have whole heartedly “tried”.  That method is currently working and has worked for many of my friends, so I don’t judge; however, it’s just not in my nature to relax in that way.
I don’t apologize for being open – about anything.  I don’t care to struggle in silence.  I don’t wish to consider this a dirty little secret that George and I experience alone.  I DO intend, however, to help you understand me a little better.  “Trying” might be an odd thing to broadcast.  It is rare for people not looking to impregnate to just announce, “Welp, we’ve been having a lot of sex lately,” so I gather not everyone wants to be privy to the “night moves” kickin’ off at The Bruno house.  (Sexy.)  My public displays of conception don’t have anything to do with sex… more my anxiety, excitement, disappointment, and general feelings surrounding our ultimate goal of having a child.  
In my eight (holy crap!) months of marriage, the journey has been awesome.  As you know, George is pretty much the bees knees.  I loved him an unimaginable amount the day I married his ass and it’s only increased by leaps and bounds each day thereafter.  I want to criticize his dance moves and jab him in the ribs  for the rest of his life, and ideally, I’d like to teach our most perfect child to follow my lead.  🙂  I’m decent with the written word, and I cannot, no matter how hard I search, find the words powerful enough to express how badly I want to be his baby mama.  Sooo, I’m gonna “try” like hell.  And then you know what I’m gonna do?  I’m gonna blog about it.  😉  (Sorry Grandma!)  🙂
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{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Desiree November 29, 2010 at 5:50 pm

You go girl! It does make you feel better when your friends and family know what you are going through because no matter the outcome you need their love and support! I speak from way too much experience in the infertility area. God has a plan for you. Work the one you think it is ("trying like hell") that's all you can do! And if it makes you feel better to share…do it. I am always willing to listen:)! Best of luck on your trying!


2 Jennifer Bruno November 29, 2010 at 7:14 pm

Thanks for writing! I appreciate the feedback. 🙂


3 Anonymous November 29, 2010 at 8:09 pm

We've been "trying" like hell for 9 years now. It's been fun and we will keep "trying" too. It will happen when it happens!!


4 Meg and Ken November 30, 2010 at 10:12 am

Nice to meet ya!I am right there with you girl.I was not quiet about trying and I am not quiet about adopting. Trying is some tough shit and you need support, we know and will listen 🙂 xoxo


5 Megan (Best of Fates December 2, 2010 at 5:02 pm

Isn't sharing stuff like that the entire point of blogs?Good luck with your trying!


6 Jennifer Bruno December 2, 2010 at 7:36 pm

Good point. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by!


7 MrsAstor December 3, 2010 at 5:20 am

The book 'Taking Charge of your Fertility' is aMaZiNg! It teaches you things they should have taught you in school about baby making…how it really works! Highly recommended. Sending baby dust your way!!!


8 Jennifer Bruno December 3, 2010 at 8:00 am

Thanks so much for the tip! I will put it on my Christmas list. 🙂


9 Tillie December 6, 2010 at 9:24 am

Totally agree about Taking Charge of your Fertility…it helps figure out a lot of things that your body is doing…plus peeing on things is useful 🙂 Good luck!!!!


10 Jennifer Bruno December 6, 2010 at 1:31 pm

Thank you! I'm steady peeing. 🙂


11 ladylovescake December 11, 2010 at 8:00 am

Good on you girl! Keep sharing this stuff as it makes the world a better place when people are more open.


12 Classic NYer December 11, 2010 at 8:15 am

You are clearly more than decent with the written word… I love your writing. I still fall into the "trying not" category, but you totally made me understand your situation… btw, stopping in from lbs tea party. 🙂


13 Miss Wisabus December 11, 2010 at 9:12 am

Your honesty and openness is refreshing. We're not trying right now (went through a miscarriage a little over a year ago), but I understand the longings.(Stopping by from the LBS Tea Party!)


14 Elizabeth Flora Ross December 11, 2010 at 9:44 am

Girl, some of us TOTALLY get it! I know, and I appreciate your openness. Honestly, IMHO, is a good thing. You keep on trying and having your great attitude, and it will happen for you.


15 Jennifer Bruno December 12, 2010 at 7:10 am

Thanks so much for the encouraging words. I'll be keeping you posted, as I don't believe in TMI. 🙂


16 Carrie December 12, 2010 at 12:06 pm

Good luck with your efforts 🙂 From someone who pretty much just had to be "looked at" to get pregnant I can't offer any advice. Just keep at it. At least it's still fun right?Visiting from Red Dress Club


17 Grace Matthews December 12, 2010 at 7:30 pm

My aunt struggled for years to get pregnant and they adopted…then four years later…pregnant with twins. It'll happen. Just stay positive, persistent, and try to relax. Your mind can do funny things to the rest of your body.Good Luck!!!!Hopping over from Lady Bloggers:)


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