Sunday morning symbolically marked the last cream cheesey-rific breakfast of the year. I have been a girl who has fought weight long enough to no longer be remembered as the skinny girl who just gained a few pounds. I am officially heavy and although it has taken years to admit it just wasn’t a “phase”, I am embarrassed to admit that it may take a wedding to finally bite the bullet and aggressively fight the cloak of fat I wear every single day.
I was a thin kid and an active, athletic teenager. My parents are slim. I’m not genetically pre-determined to be fat. But I am . I am ashamed, and often horrified at the battle I have waged against myself. I could blame stress, I could blame Tina, I could blame hormones, but the blame honestly, just falls on me. I never wanted to be the girl who had to add “lose weight” to the already VERY long list of “To Do’s” in order to prepare for our wedding. I want the pictures surrounding our engagement and wedding to mirror the way that I feel. I feel great and happy and in love, but I look overweight, miserable and embarrassed.
When I started this blog, one of the most important things to me was to be honest and as uncensored as I could without being raunchy or offensive. I prepared to be honest about everything… except for this. I’d secretly hoped the installation of Sparkley on my finger would be like a lap band around my gut, making dieting effortless and fun. That way, the weight would just fall off and the need to blog about such a private matter would disappear along with the pounds. It hasn’t worked. I got Sparkley at the same time I started new medications for Tina and my already large appetite was put into high gear and I couldn’t seem to get full no matter what I ate. But now, here I sit…. 9 months away and in panic mode. No more excuses, no more need to blame my meds, no more feeling ashamed. My engagement ring, and my relationship with George has changed my life… and it’s gonna change my size too.
It will be hard. Every year it becomes more difficult to shed weight. It’s hot outside, work is intense, I’m on a hormonal roller coaster trying to shrink my tumor, I’m lazy, my body hurts, and I simply LOVE to eat – EVERYTHING. I’m an excuse factory.
I have every single luxury at my disposal. I don’t have children that demand my attention at the end of my work day (aside from the bratty wieners that lick my feet until I give them something to eat), I don’t live where there is snow on the ground that prevents me from stretching my legs and hitting the pavement, and I don’t have any physical impairments. I do, however, have extremely supportive people in my life, good tennis shoes, and a man that will eat whatever rabbit food I try to pass off as dinner. I’m truly embarrassed that I have abused this fortune for as long as I have.
It’s a strange thing in life to realize that every single person in your life loves you just as you are; like they have NO IDEA that you look any way but perfect. I have not known this forever. I have probably only come to this realization in the last two years, and more than ever, feeling this acceptance has made the people in my life entirely worthy of getting the absolute best of me. I cannot give the best of me while hiding in a body that doesn’t feel like my own. I have cheated the people that have built me up and I refuse to do it any longer.
Writing this public blog is like the most ultimate punishment. Dieting is a secret thing for me. I don’t announce my diets, as many have failed and the less people who know, the easier my failure is to accept. I am certain I will struggle with weight forever. It’s just gonna be my cross to bear, I guess. But… I’m announcing today that I’m going to do my absolute, unedited, completely honest, realistic BEST to make this happen. I’m going to be healthy and happy and not ashamed of having my picture taken. I’ve got a lot more to offer that way, and I’m gonna prove it. I hope.
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I love you!